A Rambling Raconteur

I Give This Poem 4 out of 5 Stars

I’m tired of playing critic.
It’s time to come clean.
I’m done playing it cool with my movies.
I’m done melodramatically yawning
when the hero tells the girl he loves her.
Now more pretending my heart isn’t
a puddle of goo in my chest.
I’m don’t playing high-brow
when another cliché is on the screen.
I’m done.
I’m tired of pretending I’m cooler
than the movie reel.

Let me be frank with you.
I’m throwing down the gauntlet here.
If anyone dare snub their nose at me
I’ll gladly break it for them.

I love movies!
Summer blockbusters.
Low-budgets.
No-budgets.
Indies.
Comedies.
Dramas and
dramadies.
I love sappy romance flicks
and big-budget epics.
I love comic book movies
and novel adaptations.
I love clichéd ending,
heroic speeches
and robots that know kung-fu.
I love slow-motion fist fights
and awesome one-liners I can quote for days.
I love wizards
even they act emo and angsty.
I love vampires too!
I don’t care how much their acting sucks.
I support the phenomenon
that got a whole new generation
of 14 year old girls to read!
Sparkle on!
You won’t catch me
laughing at anyone else’s fandom.

Two thumbs up to anyone
who ever asked
for a lightsaber or phaser
for Christmas!
Because if the hero’s got the right swagger
I don’t care about the plot holes.
I don’t care if the effects budget
was 5 bucks
or 5 billion.
Just give me the money shot:
dawn,
breaking on the horizon
and into the frame
come a helicopter
or the hero
or the villain
or the plucky sidekick.

I love plucky sidekicks!
I love punch lines
and bad guys
and superheroes!
God bless the superheroes.

I don’t care if the movie
is intellectually stimulating enough
for the Academy.
The Academy
can kiss my butt.
When I pay my money
and park my rear
into that theater seat
I don’t want reality
projected on the big screen.
Spoon feed me fluff
if you have to.
If I wanted reality
I would have stayed at home.

I love movies
and if you have a problem
with my taste
take it up with someone who cares.
But for now,
just shut up.
The previews are about to start.

Things Lord of the Rings Fans Think Twilight Fans Ought to Know
written by Sarah Wofford, a supporter of fandom diversity

- You thought we were weird at the time but we were right about the magic of books, weren’t we?
- If you stop laughing at our elf costumes, we’ll stop laughing at the body glitter you made your boyfriend wear.
- If you *don’t* stop laughing at out elf costumes, one of us is liable to shoot you with an arrow.
- Be warned, our arrows tend to be handcrafted. And sharp.
- Legolas may prance a bit, but he doesn’t sparkle. Trust me. Our fangirls are very much okay with this.
- There is something inherently beautiful about a good death scene. We’re sorry that you’ll never get to experience that. It’s not because your characters are immortal. It’s because your author is kind of a wimp.
- There is a very good reason no member of the fellowship was described as being a “klutz.” Klutzes tend to die really quickly.
- I can’t say that any of us feel very sympathetic when people make fun of your fandom. We’ve been putting up with it for 60 years. Suck it up.
- We know you think Edward and Bella are really sweet and self-sacrificing, perhaps they are, but Arwen gave up paradise to be with Aragorn. And Aragorn, he put his own heart on hold to - you know - save all of Middle Earth.
- Be careful before you try testing our patience. We’re the people who have sat through 12 hours of Extended Edition DVDs. Often in one sitting.
- If you do happen to reach the end of our patience, remember: we have several languages to choose from in which we can call you some very nasty things.
- Do not try to outwit us. We learned from Gollum and a whole Shire-full of hobbits. We really enjoy making people sound like fools.
- Be wary of any Rings fan that wants to show you their “pointy hat trick.” I can’t explain to you why, but believe me when I say that it will be unpleasant.
- We’re pretty certain that Samwise Gamgee could kill a vampire whilst armed with nothing but a cooking pot, relying just on the strength of his heart.
- You may think you’re a fan. You may think you’re a fanatic. You may even think you’re obsessed. You have no idea.